All the Answers in a Fosters Good Call
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
With our stiff upper lip, awkwardness and uptight attitude, us Brits need help. Thankfully, the Fosters TV advert is here to solve our problems, our real problems.
Brad and Dan, the archetypal Aussie blokes, have found a niche in the agony-aunt market and been kind enough to provide the British male with supportive advice. Set up in their beach hut, the two friends are on hand to make their somewhat nervy callers feel at ease about life's dilemmas with a Fosters Good Call.
The laid-back pair, virtual ambassadors of lager UK, offer advice on what they know about best: socialising and women. These modern day philosophers are the great thinkers of our time, and with so little effort. Everything you can possibly throw at them has been taken care of long ago, hence why they are decked out on a sunny beach, beer in hand, and we're in the rain, about to meet the mother-in-law.
This is not the usual advice dished out in tabloid columns, but the type of brutal honesty that these men need. It is like having your best mate and therapist rolled in to one, and only a phone-call away, to help combat anything life can throw at you. The laid-back, 'no worries' attitude is something the British male is still trying to get into his psyche, so this beach hut problem solving is the perfect tonic.
In the hut itself there are surfboards, barbeques and an aquarium. The coffee table even has a fridge inside it, home to multiple cans of Fosters. They are so dedicated to the task in hand that the bikini-clad women on the beach have to wait their turn; some of whom are aching to go and play cricket or kick a football around with the boys. Others want to find a special secluded spot for a little fishing, but they will all have to wait until the current call has been dealt with. There are some things in life that are just more important.
The first dilemma is the 'space-invader'; the friend of a friend who violates your personal space while you're at the bar. Brad and Dan will know what to do because what proper Aussie bloke doesn't know how to act in a pub? They can sympathise with someone who is "all up in your grill when you're chewing the fat", as Dan puts it, or as Brad points out: "Someone who thinks hearing your words isn't enough; he needs to feel them on his face." Of course, trying to eat pickled eggs isn't going to put a space-invader off, that's a rookie mistake.
The man in trouble, Tom from High Wycombe, is informed that he should give a red-hot crack at shouting as loud as possible. Shouting is, after all, the only way to deal with space invaders. Once the matter has been sorted, proper pub decorum can be resumed, and Brad and Dan can get back to their barbeque on the beach; all is good again in the World. That is until the next call.
Should Craig from Leicester, sorry, Craig-O, get his girlfriend's name tattooed on his body? Obviously, all is dependent on the girl in question's name, and Trudy Holloway does not pass the test. 'Tough-stickers' can be a dangerous game, as Brad proves with his homage to Atomic Kitten emblazoned across his stomach, and as a result, the sound advice is to consider possible alternatives and nicknames.
The fact that Trudy also goes by the name of 'peanut' is the answer to the problem, because as Dan tells us, "We all love peanuts." Therefore, 'I love peanut' is an acceptable solution to every man's commitment issues.
Even if Trudy, or 'peanut', was the woman of your dreams, is there any guarantee that she won't end up looking like her mum? It's such a pressing matter for Ben from Southend that he sneaks out while dinner is being served to find out if he is destined to end up with his mother-in-law.
Obviously, Ben is aware that he is being rude because he has left the room and lowered his voice. Both his girlfriend and her mother are within ear-shot and ordinarily the matter could be dealt with at a later date, but the mother is plainly not the person Ben wants to spend the rest of his life with, and so needs must.
Like so many others, Ben is another Brit worrying too much. There are far more important things that should be occupying our minds than whether our girlfriend is going to end up as ugly as her mother. Issues such as "why do I have hair growing out of my ears?" and "how do they make scotch eggs?" will obviously take up our thoughts as we get older, because this is simply not worth worrying about.
The best way to put Ben's worries at ease is to put this dilemma into a language Ben will understand: Neighbours. The tribulations of Ramsey Street have all been tackled and there is nothing in our lives that can't be solved through the sleepy suburb of Erinsborough. Brad points out: "Did Scott ever worry if the lovely Charlene was going to end up looking like Madge?" Of course he didn't. Scott and Charlene are what love is supposed to be; free of worries and only interested in each other. If Scott had spent his time fretting over whether he was marrying the gravelliest voice in Australia, then they never would have got together in the first place.
Of course, Ben could end up with a real gem on his hands if "she turns out to be a Vorderman", with the maths whizz becoming a favourite among middle-aged men and bored students alike.
As Ben's call ends the two Aussie lads turn to gaze up at a poster of daytime TV's first lady, which adorns the wall of their beach hut, satisfied that another good call has been laid to rest.
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